Tuesday, 17 October 2023.

I really can't get over talking and writing about how living in autopilot affect our mind to believe that things are under our control, we know what we truly desire and now is in a beast mode working hard to achieve it. But have you ever thought for a second that you are actually being in a system you create yourself that makes you believe that you have control over yourself and your desire? The falls autonomy?

No, no, don't guess that I will be talking and writing about capitalism. While that can be true, it's an external world that you somehow can't control. It is the inner world that I am talking about; the world within your mind.

We are caged in our previous phase in life. It's a phase where life turbulence hit us the most and we unconsciously chose to remember it forever without processing further. That went to our subconscious mind and take over whatever thoughts, feelings, values, and belief system we do have today. 

It's not once or twice I heard stories about someone's mission of revenge acts their past, and I was one of the ones with such stories. Someone can be so proud achieving many things in life yet the one who is satisfied is not the person I talked to that time. That person worked so hard to satisfy the person's desire in the past. Years after years, the person let it slide until it becomes a cycle of internalized belief that the past was so hard and old desires should be fulfilled. As I was in similar cycle, I started to challenge the belief with a prompt that said, "if it's always about the past, when are we going to joyfully live the present time?"

Because you think that it's you navigating the life you lead, but it's truly not you.

Started from there, I took the other route of fulfilling past desires. Instead of manifest it into the acts I do in reality, I looked back and process the emotion. That child version of me screamed to be heard, and that was about his feelings, not him wanting something material and solid. I asked that person what he experienced, how he felt about that experienced, and what he really wanted to feel about the experience.

Slowly from there, I noticed some shadows that take over my thoughts, feelings, values, and belief system. With such gentle challenge, the shadows revealed themselves. As Carl Jung said, those shadows are part of you, there's no need whatsoever to erase them. With me knowing how I operate based on those shadows' direction, I slowly take over my life. Months after months, I can manage things better; my jealousy, my greed, and all. I burned my old self. I believe this is a continuous journey that will never end until I die.

After that, I went back to square one, and restarted things with the new me. Now he has a new battle, a fresh one that can stimulate a new life to begin. It's only half of the way that I have been through so far. 

I am now in a process to discover my true desire, my true control over me. May I have the time and resources to know myself more. 


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