The Age of Thirty | Day 1: A Freedom from The Known.
Sunday, 15 October 2023
Approaching thirty, I noticed a different in my life. Since two years ago, I've been feeling like I neglect my inner world. Mind you, I was in the state of panic when I was 28. It was very hard to grasp the reality that I was living in. I thought that you had to be somebody in your thirty; rich, wealthy, having six packs, having billions of emergency funds, owning your first property, etc. And I bet you guessed it right, the theme of that panic season was because I attached my worth with all things material that are not within your intrinsic value as human being.
The a question came from my mind, "what if that particular thing, whatever material you attach yourself to, is taken away from you? Won't you feel restless and even worse, feel worthless?"
This does not mean that I don't need money or any material things as a human being to survive this materialistic world, but rather a realization that before everything materials, you have to know what you value intrinsically as human being.
There I said it, and that very second, my journey of inner work began. I was craving to know who I really am, why I am here in this world, the mission I carry, and of course, the core value that drives it internally until those manifest as a real, unique journey of mine. For I know for sure, that at this point, I don't know what I don't know, and I don't know what I don't know. I decided to float, learning to surrender and observe myself having a battle with life by reacting to whatever stimulus thrown at me. I went outside of my bodily realm to see it obejctively.
One of the important thing that I noticed was that I was severely enslaved by my own ego. It's my ambition to be "somebody" that, for long as I can recall, can't be explained clearly who that persona is. My ego created an imaginary mask that I put on everyday so I can show up as the persona I created to show in front of society. This indicated that I was detached from my very own value, which unfortunately I did not know yet.
That mask made of the ideal person in the ideal world that my mind created. Living with that mask for so long made me live a life that was autopilot. I thought I knew what I was doing, but no, it's an illusion. In fact, I ran away, way too far, from my reality. That mask urged me to take over the control of my soul. It was a beast that aimed for expansion and occupation towards anything I thought would enrich me.
However, my conscious mind would ask, "how and where do we even expand when we don't know the reality of where we are now?"
Yet my addiction to external validation could not be just deterred with such question, that it decided to go on, call it being unstoppable. Until one day, everything fell apart. A day when I realized that I knew too much, I did too much, I forced myself to expand and occupy the imagination of materialistic success. It succeed, but it served no purpose. The more I reached the summit, the more I felt worthless, the more I felt like I could not achieve what I desired. But, what desire? I did not even take my time to think of it, for any achievement I got was coming from others.
A year ago, I decided to conquer the beast, so I can be free. I want to take my time to be more conscious of my true calling that until today, are still unknown. And that's the beauty of it, I since that day I became so curious about who I really am, and it's me helping myself from my outside of bodily realm. I now know how to see, feel, and experience both pain and happiness without being carried away to its aftertaste, for those are temporary.
By becoming vulnerable, I learned how to be free.
By becoming somebody I don't know, I started to be interested to know myself even more.
See that it's a journey of becoming? I don't know what I'll become, but I want to be whole. I don't want any mask no more. I want myself with its shadow, ego, soul, femininity, masculinity, and bodily realm to be fully integrated, to be fully fully embraced with no shame, with no pride. I call it as stability.
The journey is not over yet. And this is just day 1 of the next stage of it.